TRUE STORIES FROM QUANTAS AIRLINES:
Pilot Report: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
Solution Recorded: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.


Pilot Report: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Solution Recorded: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot Report: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution Recorded: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot Report: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution Recorded: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot Report: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Solution Recorded: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot Report: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution Recorded: Evidence removed.

Pilot Report: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution Recorded: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot Report: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution Recorded: That's what they're there for.

Pilot Report: IFF inoperative.
Solution Recorded: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot Report: Suspected crack in windshield.
Solution Recorded: Suspect you're right.

Pilot Report: Number 3 engine missing.
Solution Recorded: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot Report: Aircraft handles funny.
Solution Recorded: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot Report: Target radar hums.
Solution Recorded: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot Report: Mouse in cockpit.
Solution Recorded: Cat installed.

Pilot Report: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Solution Recorded: Took hammer away from midget.

The last flying squadron I was with I saw gripes like this come from pilots. There was a shirt made with the following saying: "It takes a college education to break it, but a High School diploma to fix it".